A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."
"Wow," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend -- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hilary's election campaign!'"
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter, who had red hair. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law, and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother to the widow's grown-up daughter. Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." The mother broke in, "I'm Ellen, the little shit's name is Tammy."
A girl comes home from school and tells her grandma that a boy at has asked her out for a date. This being her first date, her grandma gives her some rules. "If he tries to come near you or hug you, its fine. If he tries to kiss you, well thats fine too. But if he tries to lay you down and get on top of you, just push him and get out of there." The innocent girl was confused and asked, "Why grandma?" Grandma replied, "Because then he will disgrace our family." The girl having learned the lesson goes on her date. When she returns, her grandma asked her what happened. She replied, "Everything went well. First he hugged me, then kissed me. But then he tried to lay me down. So instead I got on top of him and disgraced his family."
Meaning Of Names
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head." The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."