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The best jokes and joke writers!

Move Your Cars Please.

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom:  "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:  "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

Do the Math

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

A Lesson in Politics

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist, because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was woken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom. He found his father's side of the bed empty, and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then, he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned, and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute, then said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."

ABCP

One day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said "Say your ABCs first" The boy started saying "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z" The teacher asked at the end "Where is your P?" The boy answered "Running down my pants!!"

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend. "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya?"