We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Partial Deck

A girl comes home from school and tells her grandma that a boy at has asked her out for a date. This being her first date, her grandma gives her some rules. "If he tries to come near you or hug you, its fine. If he tries to kiss you, well thats fine too. But if he tries to lay you down and get on top of you, just push him and get out of there." The innocent girl was confused and asked, "Why grandma?" Grandma replied, "Because then he will disgrace our family." The girl having learned the lesson goes on her date. When she returns, her grandma asked her what happened. She replied, "Everything went well. First he hugged me, then kissed me. But then he tried to lay me down. So instead I got on top of him and disgraced his family."

L. A. Math Proficiency Test

 The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:_______________________________ Gang:___________________________

1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?

4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?

6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?

8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?

10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

Move Your Cars Please.

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom:  "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:  "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

Grass Sandwich

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too." A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too." Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

Ghost Boogie

Q: Why don't ghosts like to go to prom?

A: Because they have no body to dance with.