"Hi Mom, it's me." "Hi Sally, are you okay? I thought you were with your father at the hardware store, looking for a drill." "Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you." "Oh my God, what happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face." "What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"
"Well, it really wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black and Decker. Mom, I knocked the shit out of her!"
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight. Only $1.00 a pound, Call (202) 208-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?' to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.' The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.' About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'. Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, 'Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?' to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.' ''Very well', the voice on the phone told him, 'Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.' At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating 'If you catch me, you can have me'. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, 'Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! 'This is fantastic!', he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?' 'Fifty pounds!', the man exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?' the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.' The man replied, 'Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!', and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, 'If I catch you, I'm going to screw you.'
Everyone Is Busy
Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?
Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.
Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?
Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.
Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him?
Youngster: (whispering) No. They're both busy too.
Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to???
Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here... but they are busy too....
Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!!
Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.
Brain to Nerves
Q: How does the brain communicate with the nerves?
A: With a Cell phone!
Doesn't It Annoy You When...
Doesn't it annoy you when
- ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
- ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
- ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
- ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
- ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
- ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
- ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
- ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
- ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
- ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
- ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
- ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
- ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
- ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.