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The best jokes and joke writers!

Answering Machine - Right to Remain Silent

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. 

Real Live Answering Machine

Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me.

Phone Call

"Hi Mom, it's me." "Hi Sally, are you okay? I thought you were with your father at the hardware store, looking for a drill." "Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you." "Oh my God, what happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face." "What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"

"Well, it really wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black and Decker. Mom, I knocked the shit out of her!"

Ways To Terrorize A Telemarketer

  • Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
  • Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
  • Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
  • After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
  • Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
  • If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
  • If Verizon calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
  • Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
  • If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
  • When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems, my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

Doesn't it annoy you when

  • ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
  • ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
  • ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
  • ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
  • ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
  • ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
  • ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
  • ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
  • ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
  • ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
  • ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
  • ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
  • ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
  • ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
  • ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
  • ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.