Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates.
''What's that?'' asked Jenny.
''Well,'' said Johnny, ''if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.'''
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. by by, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. by by, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. Sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. by by, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter, who had red hair. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law, and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother to the widow's grown-up daughter. Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
Tree of Life
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
"Hi Mom, it's me." "Hi Sally, are you okay? I thought you were with your father at the hardware store, looking for a drill." "Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you." "Oh my God, what happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face." "What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"
"Well, it really wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black and Decker. Mom, I knocked the shit out of her!"