Classified Funny Ads

• Include your children when baking cookies!
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands.
• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory•Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.•Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
• We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
• This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
• For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• See ladies blouses. 50% off!
• Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Silly Superstition

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. "Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen? My God girl! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"

It's Dark In Here

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet with her son.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway, and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.