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The best jokes and joke writers!

Be Strong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

North and South Fairytales

Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?

A: A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Sensitive Man

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

Knock Knock - Remember

Bob: "Will you remember me tomorrow?" 

Bill: "Yes"

Bob "Will you remember me next week?" 

Bill  "Yes"

Bob: "Will you remember me next month??"

Bill: "Yes"

Bob: "Will you remember me next year?"

Bill: "Yeah"

Bob: "Knock Knock"

Bill: "Who's There?"

Bob: "See, you forgot me already!"

Coffee is better than Women.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some. 

You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM. 

Coffee never runs out. 

No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. 

When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.

White men can take black coffee home to their parents. 

Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it. 

You can always heat up coffee. 

Coffee smells and looks good in the morning. 

If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Seattle 911

I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline.

They said just do it.