Profession Jokes - Other Doctor Jokes
Doctor In The House?
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.” The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
One day a guy complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he try using the Health-O-Meter at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the Health-O-Meter will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." He filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The Health-O-Meter started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
There is an old colonial cemetery where the grave markers are flat. A man and woman sneak in there one night after a Halloween party to make love. The next day the woman is complaining of a terrible back ache, so she goes to see her doctor. The doctor asks her to put on a gown and examines her back but finds nothing wrong. He asks her how old she is, and she says 28. The doctor says that's interesting because it says on your ass that you died in 1784.
Honesty is the best policy
A very, very rich gentleman dies, leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says, "I am ashamed of you two, I wrote a check for the full amount!"