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The best jokes and joke writers!

Headache Cure

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches. The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said, "You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that.  I phone my wife and tell her I'm coming home. She waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that-- I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt." "Well I might try something like that," said John. A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway. "John!" says the doc, "Haven't seen you in a while!  How are those headaches?" "Great! They're all gone! Thanks for your advice!" said John. "Hey, that's fantastic!" said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway. "Say, Doc!" yelled John, down the hall, "Nice place you got there!"

Joy of Sex

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts." "Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."

Blonde - Brain For Sale

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplants asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain here belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. And here we have a blonde's brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

Blonde - Diet

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

China Trip

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom.

A week after arriving back home, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.” The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.” The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!” The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctors, they always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate”

“Oh, Thank God!,” the man replies.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks... it fall off by itself."