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The best jokes and joke writers!

Hitler's Final Day

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.
One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful for your advice. I'm wondering something though, how come you never told me something that would be important to me  like when will I die?"
The astrologer said "Mein Fuhrer, you never asked."
Hitler says "I'm asking you now, do you know the day I'm going to die?"
The astrologer says "as a matter of fact I do know the day. You're going to die on a Jewish holiday."
Hitler is shocked, "that's a horrible thing - a Jewish holiday! What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"
The man says. "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

Downwind

Q: Why do farts smell?

A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.

E.T. Welcome

Q: What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

A: Where on Earth have you been?

Homework

Q: Why did the student eat her homework?

A: Because the teacher said it would be a 'piece of cake'.

JJ is Married

JJ finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”

JJ got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

JJ replied, “I wasn't."

Yo Mama - Boogie Man

Yo' Mama is so ugly, even the Boogie Man won't hide under her bed.