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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Definition of Sex

Hillary and Chelsea were having a deep heart to heart talk about Chelsea's college experiences.
Hillary: So have you found dating to be fulfilling experience?
Chelsea: It's okay, but I don't like how the boys sometimes act like real sex hounds.
Hillary: Well, uh, have you, uh, actually had sex?
Chelsea: Well Mom, no, not IF you define sex the way Daddy does.

Will You Marry Me?

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said, "Yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

Little Johnny is Fascinated

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons." The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence." Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"

Newspaper Ad Looking for a Man

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper that reads:

Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?!?”

Good Manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked one of her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."

"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

Final Answer

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed. The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight." The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight." The husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you." The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."