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The best jokes and joke writers!

Still Got It

I've sure gotten old; I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts, have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I've lost all my friends, but thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

Paddy Hangs

Paddy's in jail.  The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck," says the Guard.

"I know," says Paddy, "but I couldn't fookin' breathe!"

Hitchhiking

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger and asked, ”Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him that the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.

 

Knock Knock - Remember

Bob: "Will you remember me tomorrow?" 

Bill: "Yes"

Bob "Will you remember me next week?" 

Bill  "Yes"

Bob: "Will you remember me next month??"

Bill: "Yes"

Bob: "Will you remember me next year?"

Bill: "Yeah"

Bob: "Knock Knock"

Bill: "Who's There?"

Bob: "See, you forgot me already!"

Men And Cats

Q: How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?

A: They both hide when they see the vacuum cleaner.

Wedding Tombstones

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"