1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
2. On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
5. Sing along at the opera
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
8. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
10. Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"

Q: Why are there so few Irish lawyers?

A: The majority of them can't pass the bar!

Q: What do tornados and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

Q: What do you call it when you have your Grandma on speed dial?

A: Instagram

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong! You must go to HELL," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."