Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?"

Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"

Picasso's mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail. He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading "Sam Smith- Eye Doctor, Free Consultation." Picasso figured that it couldn't do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway. After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed. After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/20. Picasso was overjoyed and said, "Doctor, tell me your fee. I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you ask." Mr. Picasso," the doctor replied "I only ask my usual fee of $100." "Well then," continued Picasso, "To reward you handsomely, I will paint a mural on your waiting room wall. When I am finished, we will invite the art critics to see it." The doctor agreed to this offer because the room needed a paint job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain for three weeks and when he is finished, invitations are sent to the press for a showing. On the chosen date the critics crowd into the waiting room and when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the curtain and there on the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a giant size eye. "Great", the critics all exclaim. "This is one of Picasso's greatest masterpieces." Picasso nudges the doctor and says, "Well, Sam, what did I tell you?" The doctor replies, "Its a good thing I'm not a gynecologist!"

All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.

• Mary Had A Little Lamb- 3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321
• Jingle Bells- 333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621
• Frere Jacques- 1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111
• Olympic Fanfare- 3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321
• The Butterfly Song- 963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621
• Happy Birthday- 112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

Q: What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

A: Ba-na-na-NAAA.