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The best jokes and joke writers!

Michael Jackson's Bed Time

Q:  How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A:  When the big hand is on the little hand.

Cats and Women

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

Lover Luke

Q: Why can't Luke Skywalker keep a girlfriend?

A: He's always looking for love in Alderaan places.

DiCaprio ID

A black man finds Leonardo DiCaprio's wallet on the ground. Some days later he's stopped by the police while driving erratically on the interstate. They asked him for his ID and he hands them the one he found. The officer looks at the ID and back to the man. He reads aloud, "First Name: Leonardo, last name: DiCaprio." He looks at the driver, a bit perplexed. "Hair: blonde, eyes: blue." Looks at him again. Then the cop called his partner and asked, "Hey Bob, did the Titanic sink or burn?"

Graph Paper

Q: Why shouldn't you trust people with graph paper?

A: They're always plotting something.

Life According To TV Land

  1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
  2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
  3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
  4. The suburbs are exciting.
  5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
  6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
  7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
  8. Good guys are always good looking.
  9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
  10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
  11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
  12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
  13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
  14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
  15. Everyone has a dark secret.
  16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
  17. Haunted houses are never locked.
  18. The police are smart.
  19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
  20. All Asian people know Karate.
  21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
  22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
  23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
  24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
  25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
  26. Computers never crash.a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's. b) Computers know everything.  c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
  27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
  28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
  29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
  30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.
  31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.
  32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
  33. Police never wait for back-up.
  34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
  35. Private detective work is glamorous.
  36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
  37. All police killings are in self-defense.
  38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
  39. Good guys don't do drugs.
  40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with penniless young guys.
  41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.
  42. High School students look thirty years old.
  43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
  44. Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
  45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
  46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
  47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
  48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
  49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
  50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
  51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.
  52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.
  53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.
  54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch the person they're chasing.
  55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).