Yo Mamas so fat when Miley Cyrus needed a wrecking ball she knew just who to call
 

There is a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man on a plane that is too heavy to fly and they are about to crash. They each have to throw something off the plane to save them from crashing. The black man throws out his Jordan shoes and says, "We have too many in our country.” The Mexican tosses out his lawn mower and says, "We have too many in our country.” The white man puts his item down, grabs the Mexican, throws him out the window and says, "We have too many in our country.”

Yo momma is so dumb, she sat at a stop sign for three weeks waiting for it to turn green.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Winchester, the Crazy Wheaten and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. The world needs more humor - take care of our retirees!

• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.