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The best jokes and joke writers!

Still Got It

I've sure gotten old; I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts, have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I've lost all my friends, but thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

Marooned

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out. "Oh masters," he said "for releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish." The American said: "I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach." Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii. The Australian said: "I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast." Whoosh, and off he went. The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: "Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!"

Liquid Gold

Q: What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

A: Au-burn

Knock Knock - Remember

Bob: "Will you remember me tomorrow?" 

Bill: "Yes"

Bob "Will you remember me next week?" 

Bill  "Yes"

Bob: "Will you remember me next month??"

Bill: "Yes"

Bob: "Will you remember me next year?"

Bill: "Yeah"

Bob: "Knock Knock"

Bill: "Who's There?"

Bob: "See, you forgot me already!"

Paddy Hangs

Paddy's in jail.  The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck," says the Guard.

"I know," says Paddy, "but I couldn't fookin' breathe!"

Toilet Paper

Q: Why did the girl take toilet paper to the party?

A: Because she was a party pooper.