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The best jokes and joke writers!

Crash Landing

Elle McPherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell are going by air to a photo shoot. Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down. Elle put on more make-up saying, "They always rescued the beautiful ones first.' Cindy donned her jewelery claiming, "They would rescue the richest one first," upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying, "You're both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box"!

Girl from Texas

A Mexican,Honduran and a Texan girl are in the same bar.  When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "Our glasses are so cheap in Mexico we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Honduran, obviously impressed by this, drinks a beer and throws the glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Honduras, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The Texan girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp and throws the glass into the air. She whips out her 45 and shoots the Mexican and the Honduran. Catching her glass and setting it on the bar, she calls for a refill and says, "In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice." 

Career Advice

Kathy Griffin: No one can ruin a career faster than I can.

Jussie Smollett: Hold my bleach.

Asian Pet Store

Q: What's the problem with an Asian pet store?

A: There's always a kitchen in the back!

Spinster's Wishes

The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes.

"Aw, go on," the little old lady said in disbelief, "if you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?"

The good fairy waved her hand, and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said "I really get two more wishes?"

"Yes", the good fairy assured her. "Anything your heart desires."

"Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman." Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted."

Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man."

The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping. The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured... "Now, aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?"

Leprechaun Lender

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they're always a little short.