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The best jokes and joke writers!

Bear Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.  A moment later he felt a tap on his shoulder, turned around and saw a big black bear. The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another hunting trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again, there was tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

I Will Do Anything For Love

The beautiful secretary of a bank president goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.  Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara. "The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have."  Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I also want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York.  And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.  "The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.  She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.  "The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.  Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut! I cut!"

U of Berkeley Products

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. This is not believed to be a coincidence.

Shady Dog

Q: Why did the dog sit in the shade?

A: Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!

Been There Done That

Q: What do you call a soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray attacks? 

A: A seasoned veteran.

Cow Humor

Q: Why did the cow cross the road?

A: To get to the udder side!