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The best jokes and joke writers!

Vegan

Q: How do you identify a vegan at a party?
A: You don't, they come and tell you.

Will You Remember Me

Bob: "Will you remember me tomorrow?" 

Bill: "Yes"

Bob "Will you remember me next week?" 

Bill  "Yes"

Bob: "Will you remember me next month??"

Bill: "Yes"

Bob: "Will you remember me next year?"

Bill: "Yeah"

Bob: "Knock Knock"

Bill: "Who's There?"

Bob: "See, you forgot me already!"

Top Ten Reasons To Vote Democrat

#10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want.  I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.
 
#9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.
 
#8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would. 
 
#7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
 
#6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that get police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.
 
#5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.
 
#4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.
 
#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.
 
#2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
 
#1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher or fish here in America . We don't care about the beetles, gophers or fish in those other countries.

Answering Machine - Color Shirt

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of shirts. We'll get back to you if we like the color. 

Top 10 Fly Down Alerts

1. "The cucumber has left the salad."

2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."

3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."

4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."

5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"

6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod."

7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."

8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."

9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"

10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."

Foreplay

Q: What is the Australian for foreplay?

A: Brace yourself, Sheila!

Q: And the Welsh?

A: Are you awake, Gwen?