Shooting the Shit
An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.
The Indian says to the bartender, "Me want beer!"
The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of beer. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air, and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out, leaving everyone in the bar in shock
Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.
He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender, "Me want beer!"
The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here. What was that all about, anyway?" he asked.
The Indian explained, "Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, then come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind."
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
Dat Ain't Bubba
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba." "How can you tell?" asked the mortician. "Cause Bubba had two assholes," replied Billy-Joe. "Two assholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!"
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for?" She says, "I want to kill my husband." He says "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
Q: What kind of money do fishermen make?
A: Net profits!