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The best jokes and joke writers!

I've Changed My Mind

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch. He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I'm busting to have a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind these bushes?" She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!" "No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

Blonde - Perfect Woman

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye."

The Good Wife

After the annual office Labor Day party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouth, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."
"He's an asshole - piss on him!"
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

What Not To Say During Sex

  • But everybody looks funny naked!
  • You woke me up for that?
  • Did I mention the video camera?
  • Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet)
  • And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose.
  • A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
  • Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  • Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
  • But whipped cream makes me break out.
  • Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
  • Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
  • Can you please pass me the remote control?
  • Do you accept Visa?
  • On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
  • And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
  • So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint)
  • Try not to leave any stains, okay?
  • Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
  • Do you get any premium movie channels?
  • Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
  • (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
  • Got any penicillin?
  • But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
  • I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
  • I want a baby!
  • Why am I doing all the work?
  • Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
  • Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
  • I think you have it on backwards.
  • When is this supposed to feel good?
  • Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
  • You're good enough to do this for a living!
  • Is that blood on the headboard?
  • Did I remember to take my pill?
  • Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
  • I wish we got the Playboy channel...
  • That leak better be from the waterbed!
  • I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
  • But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
  • Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
  • If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
  • No, really... I do this part better myself!
  • It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
  • This would be more fun with a few more people.
  • You're almost as good as my ex!
  • Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
  • Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
  • You look younger than you feel.
  • Perhaps you're just out of practice.
  • You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
  • They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
  • Now I know why he/she dumped you...
  • Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
  • You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
  • What tampon?
  • Have you ever considered liposuction?
  • And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
  • What are you planning to make for breakfast?
  • I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
  • Are those real or am I just behind the times?
  • Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
  • Is that a hanging sculpture?
  • You'll still vote for me, won't you?
  • Did I mention my transsexual operation?
  • I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
  • Did you come yet, dear?
  • I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
  • A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
  • Does this count as a date?
  • Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic!
  • I need another beer for this please.
  • I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
  • You can cook, too right?
  • When would you like to meet my parents?
  • Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
  • Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
  • Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
  • Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
  • Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
  • I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
  • Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
  • Sorry but I don't do toes!
  • You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
  • Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly,
  • I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
  • I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
  • So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
  • My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
  • Is this a sin too?
  • I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
  • Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
  • Long kisses clog my sinuses...
  • Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
  • How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
  • You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Wife Wins

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: "What was that for?" Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"  Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Man: "What the hell was that for this time?" Wife: "Your horse called."