An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Tom had the remote and was switching back and forth between the hunting channel and the porn channel. Judy became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Tom, leave it on the porn channel. You know how to hunt!"
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There is an old colonial cemetery where the grave markers are flat. A man and woman sneak in there one night after a Halloween party to make love. The next day the woman is complaining of a terrible back ache, so she goes to see her doctor. The doctor asks her to put on a gown and examines her back but finds nothing wrong. He asks her how old she is, and she says 28. The doctor says that's interesting because it says on your ass that you died in 1784.
Q: What do you call it when a hooker farts?
A: A prosti-toot.
A trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road. He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!" The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
One day a guy complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he try using the Health-O-Meter at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the Health-O-Meter will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." He filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The Health-O-Meter started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Blonde - Phone Call
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."