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The best jokes and joke writers!

After the Fact

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up.
“What’s the matter?” asks the guy.
She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex.
After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

Shagging Twins

My friend told me he was shagging his girlfriend's twin.

I said: "You lucky thing! But how do you tell them apart?"

"Oh that's easy," he said, "Her brother has a mustache."

Hot Grandpa

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher.

Teacher: "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"

Johnny: "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandpa got burnt yesterday."

Teacher: "Was he burned very bad?"

Johnny: "Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you know."

Heaven or Hell

A woman dies and her spirit goes to judgment. God tells her that she's not been very good but also not evil, so she can choose heaven or hell. She asks to become an angel in heaven of course.

An angel takes her on a tour of heaven. Behind a closed door she hear tortured screams. "What is that?", she asks. The angel replies, "Don't worry, they're just drilling holes in someones back to fit the wings in." They keep walking. Behind another closed door there are more screams. "Don't worry, they're just drilling a hole in the head to hold the halo."

The woman yells, "If this is heaven, take me to hell!"

"But you'll be brutally raped there all day for eternity!" replies the angel.

Says the woman, "I already have holes for that!"

Pickled Bread

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill dough.

Quarterback Logic

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This court does not take annulments lightly." "Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver."