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Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house. I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. It was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion." "That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."
Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years. A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks. "I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink, det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"