A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up.
“What’s the matter?” asks the guy.
She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex.
After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.
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A woman dies and her spirit goes to judgment. God tells her that she's not been very good but also not evil, so she can choose heaven or hell. She asks to become an angel in heaven of course.
An angel takes her on a tour of heaven. Behind a closed door she hear tortured screams. "What is that?", she asks. The angel replies, "Don't worry, they're just drilling holes in someones back to fit the wings in." They keep walking. Behind another closed door there are more screams. "Don't worry, they're just drilling a hole in the head to hold the halo."
The woman yells, "If this is heaven, take me to hell!"
"But you'll be brutally raped there all day for eternity!" replies the angel.
The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This court does not take annulments lightly." "Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver."