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The best jokes and joke writers!

Funeral Tech

One of the funeral ushers walks to the priest and asks, "What's the WiFi password?"
The priest replies, "Respect the dead!"
The man replies, "All lowercase?"

Area 51

After thousands of people threatened to march into Area 51 the U.S. Air Force made a public statement.

They said, "There is bad news and good news."

First the bad news. The aliens have landed on earth and are being held by the government.

Now the good news. They eat Terrorists and piss gasoline.

Biology Midterm

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages  He wrote:
1)  It is perfect formula for the child.
2)  It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)  It is always the right temperature.
4)  It is inexpensive.
5)  It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)  It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7)  It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.

Bus Ride

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."  Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Costco Experience

Costco just opened their first 'experience' concept store in Michigan. Like other grocery stores they use misters to keep the produce fresh and add the sound of distant thunder with flashes of lightning. What's new is the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases you hear cows mooing and experience the smell of fresh hay. The egg cases add the sound of hens clucking and cackling with the smell of bacon and eggs cooking. The corn cases bring you the smell of melted butter.  Everything was amazing until I got to the toilet paper aisle.

Smart Dog

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.” “I know,” says the second dog owner. “How do you know?”

“My dog told me.”