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The best jokes and joke writers!

Seattle 911

I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline.
They said just do it.
 

Old German Joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

Traffic Stop

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! 

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. 

The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything.  When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole ?" 

"Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.”

Some Things Don't Change

The king wanted to go fishing, so he called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain so the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.  On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!  In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area." The king was polite and considerate, he replied, "I hold the palace  meteorologist in high regard.  He is an extensively educated and experienced professional and I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So the king continued on his way.  However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain. "So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. The practice is unbroken to this date which is why the donkey remains as the democratic party logo.

Mood Ring

I've had terrible mood swings lately so my husband purchased a mood ring for me.  The hope was that by monitoring the ring we would get some insights into my moodiness.  We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns bright green.  When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his fucking forehead.  Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Patriots Robert Kraft

Q: What's the big deal about Robert Kraft and the Day Spa?

A: Don't people know by know that all Patriot activities finish with a happy ending?