A burglar in Shelby County, Ohio, was caught by police after he accidentally butt-dialed 911 while breaking into a home. Making matters worse: The crook hid in a closet, but was ratted out by his phone yet again when the low battery alarm went off.

Three guys die and go to hell.  One is from Texas, one from Florida and one from California. The devil tells them that they each get one phone call back to earth but it may be very expensive. The Texan calls his pastor in Dallas and speaks with him for 15 minutes. The devil tells him it will cost three million dollars. The Texan promptly writes the devil a check and 'poof' he's back in Texas. The guy from Florida takes the phone and calls his Minister, speaks for 30 minutes and the devil tells him the cost is six million dollars. The Floridian quickly writes the devil a check and 'poof' he is back in Florida. Finally, the guy from California gets his turn with the phone and calls a social worker.  He talks for nearly 4 hours and when finished the devil says it will cost him just four dollars.  The guy from California smirks at the great deal he got but can't help asking why.  The devil said that Governor Newsom's liberal policies made California a living hell, so the call was local.

Q: Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?

A: Aisle B, back.

I purchased some noise-canceling headphones.

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.

Q: What do you call people who take care of chickens?

A: Chicken tenders.