We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Short Guide To Religions

  • Taoism: Shit happens.
  • Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
  • Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
  • Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough!
  • Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!?
  • Hinduism: This shit happened before.
  • Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
  • Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
  • T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
  • Atheism: No shit.
  • Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
  • Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
  • Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
  • Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
  • Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
  • Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
  • Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Leave Your Phone at Home

A burglar in Shelby County, Ohio, was caught by police after he accidentally butt-dialed 911 while breaking into a home. Making matters worse: The crook hid in a closet, but was ratted out by his phone yet again when the low battery alarm went off.

Call from Hell

Three guys die and go to hell.  One is from Texas, one from Florida and one from California. The devil tells them that they each get one phone call back to earth but it may be very expensive. The Texan calls his pastor in Dallas and speaks with him for 15 minutes. The devil tells him it will cost three million dollars. The Texan promptly writes the devil a check and 'poof' he's back in Texas. The guy from Florida takes the phone and calls his Minister, speaks for 30 minutes and the devil tells him the cost is six million dollars. The Floridian quickly writes the devil a check and 'poof' he is back in Florida. Finally, the guy from California gets his turn with the phone and calls a social worker.  He talks for nearly 4 hours and when finished the devil says it will cost him just four dollars.  The guy from California smirks at the great deal he got but can't help asking why.  The devil said that Governor Newsom's liberal policies made California a living hell, so the call was local.

Toy Locate

Q: Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?

A: Aisle B, back.

Headphones

I purchased some noise-canceling headphones.

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.

Chicken Care

Q: What do you call people who take care of chickens?

A: Chicken tenders.