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Redneck Census Form!

The official year 2014 Redneck Census Form:

Last name:_______________________First name: (Check appropriate box)(_)Billy-Bob(_)Billy-Joe(_)Billy-Ray(_)Billy-Sue(_)Billy-Mae(_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?(_)Booger(_)Bubba(_)Junior(_)Sissy(_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess) Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Unemployed(_)Dirty Politician(_)Preacher

Spouse'sName:_____________2nd Spouse's Name:_______________3rd Spouse's Name:_______________Lover'sName:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)(_)Sister(_)Brother(_)Aunt(_)Uncle(_)Cousin (_)Mother(_)Father(_)Son(_)Daughter(_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____Number of the children living in the shed:_____Number that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

(Check appropriate box)Total number of vehicles you own:___Number of vehicles that still crank:___Number of vehicles in front yard:___Number of vehicles in the back yard:___Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:____truck____bedroom____bathroom____kitchen____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_Do you have a gun rack?(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_)The National Enquirer(_)The Globe(_)TV Guide(_)Soap Opera Digest(_)Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?(_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:(_)Blond(_)Black(_)Red(_)Brown(_)White(_)Clairol

Color of teeth:(_)White(_)Yellow(_)BrownishYellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)just a whoop-and-a-holler(_)road?

Stupid Rednecks

A ventriloquist working down south, is confronted by a theater patron during his show. The hick stands up and yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us rednecks being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!" "Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!" "Shut up, buddy," the hick replied, "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

Whom Do You Trust?

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive. "Hell, " says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"

More Redneck One - Liners!

You just might be a Redneck if:

  • You've ever tried to drown a fish.
  • You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
  • Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
  • You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
  • None of your shirts cover your stomach.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
  • You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
  • The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
  • Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
  • Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
  • You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
  • The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
  • Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
  • You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
  • Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
  • You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

What You Do Best!

This suave-looking Redneck, (okay, just pretend there is one) walks into a bar and sees a cute little rich girl who's had too much to drink. He says to her, "Hey, baby...whataya say we go back to your place and get it on! Lost in her drink, she replies "Sure, why not!" They get to her place, and she lies on the bed and says, "Okay, show me what you do best!" Without delay, the Redneck rips off his jacket, grabs her T.V., VCR, and purse and runs out the door!