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The best jokes and joke writers!

QWERTY Trouble

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

Some Whimsical Sayings

  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
  • There 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  • Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  • Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  • Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  • A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  • For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  • I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
  • The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  • I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
  • Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
  • Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  • Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  • There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  • I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
  • Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
  • If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
  • Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  • If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
  • If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
  • It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
  • Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.
  • Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
  • Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  • Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
  • Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
  • Dain bramaged.
  • Department of Redundancy Department
  • What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWLC:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN<-------- The information went data way -------->Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
  • The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  • BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
  • The name is Baud...... James Baud.
  • Access denied--nah nah na na

Chinese Politician

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

C-Nile Virus

C-Nile is the latest in a string of nasty 'zero day' viruses that are able to bypass even the best scanners from Norton and McAfee.  It uses birth data from recent Target and Home Depot data breaches and focuses on people born prior to 1965.

Symptoms to watch for:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to forward it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you've finished. 

7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND”.

8. Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.”

Yup, it's called the “C-NILE VIRUS.” There is no known fix for this virus.

Hmmm…..have I sent this to you already, or did you just send it to me?

Computer Upgrade

I painted my computer black thinking it would run faster,

but it just stopped working.