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The best jokes and joke writers!

Computer Upgrade

I painted my computer black thinking it would run faster,

but it just stopped working.

Redneck Computer Terms

  • Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
  • Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
  • Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
  • Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
  • Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
  • Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
  • Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
  • Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
  • Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
  • Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
  • Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
  • Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
  • Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
  • Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
  • Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
  • Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
  • Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
  • Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
  • Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
  • Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
  • Rom - Where the pope lives.
  • Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
  • Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
  • Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
  • Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

Intel Inside

Q: What do computers snack on when they're hungry?

A: Chips!

Health-O-Meter

One day a guy complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he try using the Health-O-Meter at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the Health-O-Meter will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." He filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The Health-O-Meter started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
 

PC Curtains

Q: Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?

A: To open windows