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The best jokes and joke writers!

Health-O-Meter

One day a guy complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he try using the Health-O-Meter at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the Health-O-Meter will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." He filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The Health-O-Meter started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
 

Twas the Night Before Crisis

Twas the night before crisis,

And all through the house,

Not a program was working,

Not even a browse.

Programmers were wrung out,

Too mindless to care,

Knowing chances of cutover,

Hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled,

All snug in their beds,

While visions of inquiries

Danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby

There arose such a clatter,

That I sprang from my cube

To see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering

Eyes should appear,

But a Super Programmer,

Oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles,

His programs they came

And he whistled and shouted

And called them by name.

On Update! On Add!

On Inquiry! On Delete!

On Batch Jobs! On Closing!

On Functions Complete!

is eyes were glazed over,

His fingers were lean,

From weekends and nights

Spent in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye,

And a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know

I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,

But went straight to his work,

Turning specs into code,

Then he turned with a jerk.

And laying his fingers

Upon the ENTER key,

The system came up,

And worked perfectly!

The updates updated;

The deletes they deleted;

The inquiries inquired;

And the closing completed.

He tested each whistle,

He tested each bell,

With nary an abend,

And all had gone well.

The system was finished,

The tests were concluded,

The client's last changes

Were even included!

And the client exclaimed,

With a snarl and a taunt,

"It's just what I asked for,

But it's not what I want!"

Computer Upgrade

I painted my computer black thinking it would run faster,

but it just stopped working.

Intel Inside

Q: What do you feed computers when they're hungry?

A: Chips!

PC Curtains

Q: Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?

A: To open windows