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The best jokes and joke writers!

Research Paper Excuses

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects: 1) A certified medical excuse, or 2) A death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.

After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."

A Cheese Sandwich.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

She Has To Catch A Bus

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing." He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them." He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye. "Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay?" He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off." And she looks at him and says  "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest you jack off."

Home from the Air Force

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a good-looking woman who got this guy's full attention. After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this. Dick, ten-HUT!" And the dick sprang to life. He continued, "Dick, at EASE!"

But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating. "What in the world are you doing?" she asked. The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

The Blonde Swears Off Men

A blond at a party was telling her friend that she had sworn off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"  "So, what will you do when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.  "I'll just fake an orgasm like always!"