"Hi Mom, it's me." "Hi Sally, are you okay? I thought you were with your father at the hardware store, looking for a drill." "Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you." "Oh my God, what happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face." "What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"
"Well, it really wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black and Decker. Mom, I knocked the shit out of her!"
Blonde at a Job Interview
A blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice." And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup." Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead, "I was just running through that song -'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jumpoff this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Man and Blonde Plane Game
One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway. He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa." She says no again, and tries to fall asleep. The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?" At that number, the blonde agrees. The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500." "Got it," she replies. He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5. Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?" The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00. Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?" She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.