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The best jokes and joke writers!

Health-O-Meter

One day a guy complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he try using the Health-O-Meter at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the Health-O-Meter will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." He filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The Health-O-Meter started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
 

Standing in Line

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "Hey, Dad, look how fat that lady is!" "Shhhh, quiet, Son, she'll hear you." "But, Dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhh, don't say that, Son, it's not nice!" "But, Dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that, Son, it's not nice and it's rude!" Suddenly the fat lady's cell phone began beeping. "Look out, Dad, she's backing up!"

Son-In-Law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a money making organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

The good, bad, and ugly!

  • Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
  • Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
  • Ugly: You're in them
  • Good: Your husband understands fashion
  • Bad: He's a cross-dresser
  • Ugly: He looks better than you
  • Good: Your son's finally maturing
  • Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
  • Ugly: So are you
  • Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
  • Bad: She keeps interrupting
  • Ugly: With corrections
  • Good: Your wife's not talking to you
  • Bad: She wants a divorce
  • Ugly: She's a lawyer
  • Good: The postman's early
  • Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
  • Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
  • Good: Your daughter got a new job
  • Bad: As a hooker
  • Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
  • Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
  • Good: You're son is dating someone new
  • Bad: It's another man
  • Ugly: He's you're best friend
  • Good: You're wife is pregnant
  • Bad: It's triplets
  • Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Their True Intention

One morning a little girl ran inside and said "Daddy, Daddy my sister and the man you hired last week are up on the hay loft in the barn on all that new hay we just bought. She has her dress up and he has his pants down. I think they are about to piss all over that new hay!"