Sex Jokes

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.

Months of training wasted.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No shit."

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

A: Snowballs.

Christmas Eve, a miserable woman stands on the edge of a high bridge contemplating suicide. As she goes to step off she feels resistance from behind. She turns around to see Santa Claus holding her jacket.

"Santa Claus??" exclaims the woman, "Yes, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?" Asks Santa.

"Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me, and my cancer has returned."

Santa replies, "Fret not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you will have a message from your boss giving you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with the children, you will have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone."

"My goodness!" exclaims the woman. "That is truly a miracle, is there any way I can ever repay you?"

"There is one thing... how about a blowjob?"

"Well... sure!"

The woman gets on her knees, unzips Santa, gives him the best blower of his life, and slurps up every last bit.

As Santa is about to leave, he asks the woman "by the way, how old are you?" "I'm 27" replies the woman while wiping her mouth. "You're 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?" he replies while chuckling heartily, walking into the night.