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The best jokes and joke writers!

Touché

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

New Glasses

Yesterday my daughter nagged me again about how I spend my time - she wants me to do something useful. “So, sitting around the pool and drinking wine isn't a good thing?” I asked. My "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was 'only thinking of me' and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and join something. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I sent an email telling her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Mother, are you nuts? You're 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a _PROSTITUTE_ CLUB, NOT A PARACHUTE CLUB.” I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for FIVE JUMPS A WEEK!!” The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted. Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be real fun.

The Dentist

A dentist starts talking to a girl at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says, "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replies. "You keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist." The guy, now with an inflated ego, says, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies...."I didn't feel a thing."

Health-O-Meter

One day a guy complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he try using the Health-O-Meter at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the Health-O-Meter will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." He filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The Health-O-Meter started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
 

Message To Mom

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything??"

And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"

With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does. He then says, "Get on your knees."

She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper."

She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."

With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"