Sex Jokes

Q: What do black people and sperm have in common?

A: Only one in a million work.

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye."

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed... and finds four Chinese men.

1. The pickup is paid for.
2. I won this belt buckle in the rodeo.
3. I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

TO MY DEAR WIFE, 

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean.

17 times it was too late.

49 times you were too tired.

20 times it was too hot.

15 times you pretended to be asleep.

22 times you had a headache.

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.

16 times you said you were too sore.

12 times it was the wrong time of the month.

19 times you had to get up early.

9 times you said weren't in the mood.

7 times you were sunburned.

6 times you were watching the late show.

5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do.

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.

9 times you said your mother would hear us.

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just layed there.

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished.

and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat.

36 times you did not come home at all.

21 times you didn't cum.

33 times you came too soon.

19 times you went soft before you got in.

38 times you worked too late.

10 times you got cramps in your toes.

29 times you had to get up early to play golf.

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper.

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.

2 times you had a splinter in your finger.

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirtybook.

98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.on TV.

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.