Sex Jokes

A dairy farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer, "Some things you just can't explain." Man, "So what happened that's so horrible?" Farmer, "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. "Man, "Okay, but that's not so bad, what happened then?" Farmer, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." Man, "And then?" Farmer, "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." Man, "So, what did you do then?" Farmer, "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." Man, "So, what did you do?" Farmer, "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife, but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."

"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?

A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

There were two guys walking down the street and they saw a dog licking his nuts. One of the guys said. "Man I wish I could do that." Then the other guy said, "Man that dog will bite you!"

A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.

He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whiskey for the cat."

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks. After they finished their drinks, it was the ostrich's turn to buy a round.

The ostrich walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whiskey for the cat."

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them. When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told them "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whiskey for the cat."

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round, but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish."

"What did you wish for?" asked the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"