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The best jokes and joke writers!

Misunderstood

My coworker was eating an ice cream cone on her lunch break when she caught me staring at her. "Hey what's up?" she said. "Oh nothing.. It's just that I want to ask for something but I'm afraid you'll misunderstand me," I replied. "Haha don't worry, I won't," she said reassuringly.

"I wanna lick it," I said. She quickly extends the ice cream cone to me, to which I said, "I knew you'd misunderstand."

Paddy's Roses

A romantic Irishman named Paddy picked up a dozen valentines day roses for his girlfriend. He made a surprise visit to her house and rang her bell. When she opened the door and saw Paddy with the roses she smiled and gave Paddy a big kiss. Then she pulled Paddy into her apartment, seductively got undressed, sat on the couch and spread her legs wide. She said, Paddy, this is for the roses. Paddy said, Don't be silly, you must have a vase somewhere.

Small Penis

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. "No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

Girl Talk

The Franklin Factor:  Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race:  If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription:  Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule:  A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call:  Never pick up the phone on Saturday night, it's a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast:  They say there are lots of good fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis:  Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.

The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

The Unintended Result:

  • Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy
  • Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love
  • Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex
  • Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.

The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.

Twain's Truth:  Familiarity breeds children.

The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.

The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

The New Motorcycle

A man buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson tells him that when it rains to go outside and rub Vaseline on it because it protects it while also making it nice and shiny. Later that night, he goes to eat at his girlfriend's house, and the rule at their house is if you talk during supper you have to do the dishes. So they are eating and he looks at his girlfriend and kisses her. Nobody says anything, and he fucks her right at the table and nobody says anything. He looks over at her mom and kisses her too. Nobody says anything, so he does her too. Next thing he knows he looks outside and it is starts to rain outside, so he grabs the Vaseline out of his pocket. At that his girlfriend's dad stands up and says, ''Okay. I will do the damn dishes.''