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The best jokes and joke writers!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Q: What do you call it when you have your Grandma on speed dial?

A: Instagram

Smartphone Bug

Q: Why was there a bug in the Smartphone?

A: It was looking for a byte to eat.

Creeper

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now.

We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop.  That's quite impressive for her age.

Dear Ann Dilemma

Dear Ann,

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father - a former dentist - is in jail for 30 years, for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle Benny (a master pick-pocket nicknamed "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters (who are well-known streetwalkers.)

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is only 16 years old, so we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

Dr. McCoy and the Physical

The new ensign reported to sickbay for her physical. When stripped, Dr. McCoy nodded approvingly and said, "You look nice and trim.

"Thanks," she answered. "I weigh one hundred pounds stripped for gym."

McCoy shook his head. "That guy has all the luck!"