You know you're a redneck when some one yells "hoe down" and your wife drops to the floor!
A soldier comes home on leave and tells his wife about his parachute training. “It was terrible,” he says. “I was in the plane and ready to jump, when I froze. I couldn’t move. The Seargent came up behind me, got out this enormous dick of his and said he’d stick it up my ass if I didn’t jump.” “Oh my God,” says his wife. “So did you jump?” “Well, yes,” says the soldier. “A little bit – at first.”
Three Nuns and the Statue
There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says, "I need a cigarette."
"But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed."
"That's okay," He quips. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue."
So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand. The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.
The second nun strolls over. "What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too." She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.
The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried a third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise. "Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!"
Paradox of Woman
- If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.
- If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.
- If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.
- If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.
- If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
- If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.
- If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.
- If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
- If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
- If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
- If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
- If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.
- If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.
- If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.
Bill Clinton & Hillary
Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling in a car. They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's young lover there. Bill said to Hillary, "If you were still with him, you'd be the wife of a filling station owner." Hillary said "NO! Then he would be the president of United States."