The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
Ole & Lena Reveal Unfaithful Moments
After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?" "Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?" "Well, er, yes --- but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed. "Hmmm, three times?" questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?" "Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time." "And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time." "OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole? "The third time was " Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?"
The Purpose of Breasts
A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.
"Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven."
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. "Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!"
"What do you mean?" says his mother.
"Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling 'God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!'"
Diamond for Christmas
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
Fox Into a Bulldog
Q: How do you turn a fox into a bulldog?
A: Marry her.