Relationship Jokes

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

Ever since I downloaded AdBlock on my computer...

All the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.

A woman is looking for a Christmas present for her husband. She walks by a pet shop and sees a beautiful parrot. A tag on the cage says $50. “Why so little?” she asks. The store manager says, “This bird used to live in a house of prostitution. It has kind of a vulgar mouth.” The woman decides to buy the parrot anyway. She brings the parrot home and puts his cage near the Christmas tree. First thing the bird says is, “New house, new madam.” She's a little shocked but figures that’s not so bad. When her two daughters get home from school, the bird sees them and says, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The woman is surprised, but she figures the parrot will straighten out once it figures out who everybody is. A little while later, the woman’s husband, Frank, comes home from work. As he walks in the door, the bird says: “Hi Frank.”

A guy is running on a treadmill in the gym and he sees an iPhone X sitting on the next treadmill with no one around. Just then it starts ringing and a buff dude comes and answers it on speakerphone. It's a sweet voice of a young woman. The conversation goes like this:

Women: HEY BABY!!! ARE YOU STILL AT THE GYM?

Buff Dude: Yeah!!

Women: Well, okay, so I'm out shopping with my friend Sarah and we see this beautiful dress, it's so gorgeous! It's the last one and it's on sale. Sarah says it makes me look hot and that I should buy it now. I think so too but I don't have that much cash.  Would you mind if I use your card to buy it? It's only $600. Please Please?

Buff Dude: Okay!!!

Women: THANK YOU HONEY!!! Also, there's this beautiful necklace that matches the dress and it's on sale for $199. The dress is nothing without the necklace, can I get it too?

Buff Dude: Yeah!!

Women: OMG!! you are the best and speaking of the best you know that Kaitlyn's wedding is coming up and these guys have this beautiful gown, It will make me look like a princess and it's only $1200.  Can I get that now too?

Buff Dude: get it...

Women: OH MY GOSH...YOU ARE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER !!! I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH...THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M GONNA TREAT YOU FOR THIS. DON'T SPEND ALL OF YOUR ENERGY AT THE GYM, YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT TONIGHT!

LOVE YOU!!!

Buff Dude: Bye!!

The buff dude takes the phone and leaves.  The guy can't believe the conversation, figures the buff dude must be loaded and babe extremely hot. A few minutes later he hears a page over the gym loudspeaker:

Would the person who lost an iPhone X please come to the front desk - you had a phone call!

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven". Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".