A city girl was driving back to town after attending a family funeral when she ran out of gas. It was getting late so she asked two good ol' boys sitting on the stoop of a mobile home where she could get some gas. "Well," said one, "the fillin' station ain't open 'till tomorrie, but I reckon you kin stay the night with me & Billy-Bob here." She accepted, only to be told that there was only one bed, which both Billy-Bob & Billy-Ray slept in. Thinking it might be fun, she went ahead anyway. When all three of them were all tucked in, they were just about to jump her bones when she halted proceedings. Pulling out two condoms, she said, "You nice boys wouldn't want me to get pregnant, would you? Here, put these on." They did. The three of them proceeded to have the time of their lives. In the morning the car got gassed up and our girl went back to the city. Three months later, Billy-Bob and Billy-Ray were sitting on the stoop, chewin' on some RedMan. "D'ya remember that city girl who stopped by here a while back?" asked Billy-Ray. "Ah sure do," said Billy-Bob, with a smirk. "D'ya really care if she gets pregnant?" "Nah," said Billy-Bob. "Well, lets get these STUPID things off of our dicks!"
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."
That Time Again
A highway patrolman wanted to set up a speed trap one day. He got up on a hill behind a big billboard and sat. He was there for about ten minutes with no radar action. Finally a car came by doing 85 M.P.H. He put on the blue light and pulled the car over. He said, "Sir, do realize you were doing 85 MPH?" The driver said "Yeah, but ya' see, it's that time of the month for the Mrs. and I gotta get her some tampons." The officer was sympathetic. He just said, "How about slowing it down." So the guy sped off. A few minutes later, another car came by running 85 MPH The officer gave him the blue light to. Again, the same scenario. The officer said "Sir, do you realize you were doing 85 MPH?" The guy had the same story. "Yes sir, but you see, it's that time of the month for the wife and I gotta get her some tampons." This pissed the officer off but he couldn't give this guy a ticket and not the last one. He said, "Just slow it down." No sooner than he got back up in his speed trap, here comes another guy doing 95 mph. The officer put the blue light on, pulled him over and walked up to the window. He looked at the guy and said, "Dammit, don't tell me it's that time of the month for your wife too!" The guy responded, "No sir, that's just barbecue sauce."
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain... We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Q: How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"