Paddy Hangs

Paddy's in jail.  The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the Guard.
"I know," says Paddy, "but I couldn't fookin' breathe!"

Mexican Difference

Q: What is the difference between a Mexican and a book?
A: A book has papers!

Bus Driver

I went out drinking on St. Patrick's Day, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.