Boss: "Johnson, we're giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal."
Johnson: "Montreal! Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!"
Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!
Johnson: Without missing a beat replies, "No kidding! What position does she play?"
Day Off Work
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Office - Show Me the Money
A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you and I'll make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, "Do it but ask him for $2000, if you pick up the money very fast he won't have enough time to undress himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "What happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins."
A man answered an ad that read, "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour." When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test. He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess. When the boss asked him why he did this he replied, "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr."
The Job Security Quiz
The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.
1.The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
a) Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
b) Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
c) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
a) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
b) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
c) Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."
3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
a) Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
b) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
c) Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
a) Listen politely, and then apologize.
b) Blame someone else.
c) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
a) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
b) Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
c) Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
a) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
b) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
c) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
7. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
a) Clean the office while he supervises.
b) Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
c) Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
Scoring this test:
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.