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The best jokes and joke writers!

Pretty Big

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation. There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.

The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park. "What's that?" says the Texan.

"Oh! That's Queens Park," says the Cabby, "Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government. Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big."

"Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large," says the Texan. They continue along and past First Canadian Place.

"Holy cow," says the Texan, "What's that?"

"Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country," says the Cabby, "it took almost 4 years to build."

"Really," says the Texan, "Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time."

They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower. Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850' tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.

"Holy Crap!" says the Texan. "What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!"

The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says, "Heck if I know, it wasn't there yesterday!"

Tolerance

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says: "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."

"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."

"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs." “Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods", and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”

Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point...It is either past your bedtime, or its midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.

Course Change

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.  Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

Top 50 Jokes

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.

  1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
  2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?
  3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
  4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
  5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
  6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
  7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."
  8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
  9. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
  10. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
  11. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.
  12. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
  13. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end.
  14. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.
  15. My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said, "Well, whose fault is that?"
  16. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hell's got pickle questions?
  17. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?
  18. I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.
  19. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
  20. What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt.
  21. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is.
  22. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.
  23. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.
  24. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
  25. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.
  26. Montreal's not a city. It's Disney World for alcoholics.
  27. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: "Thyroid problem?"
  28. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries.
  29. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
  30. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
  31. The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
  32. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.
  33. Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"
  34. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) It's never "positive sexual side-effects." It's never "gigantism," is it?
  35. What's with the warning "May contain some nudity"? Well, I have to know for sure.
  36. And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? "No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven."
  37. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
  38. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
  39. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
  40. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.
  41. I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
  42. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.
  43. I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.
  44. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  45. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.
  46. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: "Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and..." Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: "How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?" So I pointed out to her that it was _me_ who vomited.
  47. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master.
  48. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch.
  49. Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? "My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room."
  50. SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!! Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men don't dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.

Back From the Dead

An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened? "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"