Life After Death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
We had a safety meeting at work today.
They asked me "what steps would you take in event of a fire?
"Fucking big ones" was apparently not the right answer.
The Right Stuff
I was in a job interview for a sales position and the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. An hour later he called me and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$250 and it's yours."
The Office Happenings
- Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
- Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
- A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
- My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
- My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
- My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
- I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself.
- My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
- He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery.
- He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
- Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
- Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
- HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
- Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
Earning A Day Off
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."