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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Job Security Quiz

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

 

1.The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...

a) Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

b) Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

c) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

 

2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

a) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.

b) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.

c) Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

 

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

a) Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.

b) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.

c) Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

 

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

a) Listen politely, and then apologize.

b) Blame someone else.

c) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."

 

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

a) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.

b) Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.

c) Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

 

6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?

a) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.

b) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.

c) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

 

7. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...

a) Clean the office while he supervises.

b) Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.

c) Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

 

Scoring this test:

Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.

Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.

Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

The Right Stuff

I was in a job interview for a sales position and the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. An hour later he called me and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$250 and it's yours."

Ponderings Collection 14

  • Why do they report power outages on TV?
  • Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
  • I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
  • After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
  • This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a firetruck.
  • I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.
  • The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
  • I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.
  • Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
  • The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

New Job

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held. "Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Job Interview

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."