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The best jokes and joke writers!

Resume Bloopers

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: Responsibility makes me nervous. They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions. Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. I'm a rabid typist. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Impatient and Annoyed

According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

Obama Impresses

Obama is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a man approaches him. "Excuse me, Mr. President, but my name is John Webber, and I'm here with an extremely important client. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, John'." Obama readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client. Obama waves and says, "Hello, John!" The man replies, "Buzz off, Obama! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.

A Dent in the Pile!

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."  To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."  To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."  

He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it!?  "The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.  Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

Wife vs Job

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A: After five years your job will still suck.