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The best jokes and joke writers!

Golf Abduction

Beautiful female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping sexy, good looking older men, who are great golfers.

I'm not sending this to you as a personal warning, you are not in any danger.

I just e-mailed you to say goodbye.

God Help Me

A Nationals fan who spent nearly $2K for his ticket was running late and desperately trying to find a parking space for Game 5 at the stadium. He had already missed the first inning, so he prayed to God and said, "If you find a parking space for me I promise I'll never miss church again." Just then a car pulled out of a space right in front of him, and the guy said, "Never mind, I just found one."

Die Hard Fans

A Giants fan, a Padre fan, and a Dodger fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.

The Padre fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for San Diego!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for San Francisco!" and pushes the Dodger fan off the mountain.

In the ravine.

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron!"

Teed Off

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force-trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Verne: "That's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged in her ass."

Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Verne: "That was my mulligan."