My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first - timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
Two men , Rick and Dave, go on a skiing trip and get caught in a blizzard. They pull into a farm and ask the lady of the house, a good-looking widow , if they can sleep on her couch. She agrees and they turn in for the night. Next morning they go on their way and enjoy a weekend of skiing. A few months later, Rick gets a letter from the widow’s lawyer . He says to Dave, “You remember that good-looking widow we met on our skiing vacation?” “Yes,” says Dave. “In the middle of the night, did you go up to her room and have sex with her?” asks Rick. “Yes,” admits Dave, a little embarrassed. “I see,” says Rick. “And when you had sex did you happen to use my name instead of yours?” Dave’s face turns red. “Yeah, sorry,” he says. “I’m afraid I did.” “Well,” says Rick. “You must have been damn good. She’s just died and left everything to me.”
Priest and Nun Golfing
One day a priest and a nun went golfing. The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy putt. He shouted, "Damn, missed again." The nun, shocked, warned him, "God will get you for that." The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed "Damn It! Missed again" the nun repeated her warning, "God will get you for that!" On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead. A deep voice from the clouds boomed out "Damn It! Missed again!"
Take A Year Off
Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood.... and good thing he didn't say two!
Let Me Out
Q: You're in a room with no doors and no windows, and all you have is a baseball bat. How do you get out?
A: Strike 1! Strike 2! Strike 3! You're out!