My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first - timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
A Packer Fan
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."
G-Spot And Golf Ball
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"
Letterman Golf Vs Sex
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better than Sex...
#10 ... A below-par performance is considered damn good.
#09 ... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08 ... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07 ... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06 ... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05 ... Three times a day is possible.
#04 ... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03 ... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#02 ... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...
#01 ... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!