Alcohol Jokes

Three women went out drinking and decided to have a contest to see who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together.

The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."

The second woman said, "I blew chunks."

The third woman said, "I burned down my house."

After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won!" The second woman said, "Wait a minute, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.

Daffy turns to Elmer and says: "Is this Whiskey?"

Elmer says: "Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"

I went out drinking on St. Patrick's Day, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. 

Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

A: None. It just lets out a little wine.

A science teacher wanted to teach her 6th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so she produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the teacher, putting a worm first into the water.

The worm in the water wiggled about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, she put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"