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The best jokes and joke writers!

Blame Duke

There once was a man who was going to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies. When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theater. When the movie was over, he went to the bathroom again, still with a tremendously long line. He figures he can wait until he drops her off. When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.'' He agrees, despite his situation. They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down. ''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers. Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down. Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''

Ladies Night Out

3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together.

The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."

The second woman said, "I blew chunks."

The third woman said, "I burned down my house."

After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

How Well Does Coldwater Clean?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the USA. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather... "are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied... "those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks... so he asked again... "are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says... "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore I'm getting tired of all this questioning!" Later that afternoon, he decided to go into a nearby town to get some descent food to eat. As he was leaving, his Grandfather's dog lay across the doorway to the outside and it started to growl and would not let him pass... "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, Grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY." 

Lifelong Dream

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

Dogs Rules For Christmas

  1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
  2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
  3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
  4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
    a. Don't pee on the tree
    b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
    c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
    d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
    e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
  5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
    a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
    b. Don't eat off the buffet table
    c. Beg for goodies subtly
    d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
    e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
  6. 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
    a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
    b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
    c. Tolerate children
    d. Turn on your charm big time
  7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. Don't bite him!