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The best jokes and joke writers!

Up All Night

Q: Why did Daft Punk spend the night with a Leprechaun?

A: He was "Up all night to get lucky"

Paddy Tries to Hang Himself

Paddy's in jail.  The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck," says the Guard.

"I know," says Paddy, "but I couldn't fookin' breathe!"

Boyle Sat in a Belfast Confessional

Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, finish off the stations!"

Pat and Mike

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident. Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."

"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"

Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"

"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.

"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!"

"Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!"

"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!"

Bus Driver

I went out drinking on St. Patrick's Day, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.