A gorilla walks into a crowded bar, and being a huge gorilla, he has no trouble getting attention from the bartender and ordering. “I’ll have a Martini, please,” he says. The bartender figures the ape probably doesn’t know much about drink prices, and he says, “That’ll be $17.50.” To make small talk while making change, the bartender says, “Hey, you know, we don’t get many gorillas coming in here ordering Martinis.” The gorilla says, “At $17.50, I’m not surprised.”
Ladies Night Out
3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together.
The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."
The second woman said, "I blew chunks."
The third woman said, "I burned down my house."
After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"
Guy Notices a Woman
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
Girls Night Out
Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties." The other husband said, "you think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read, 'from all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you'!"