Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the boos.
Drunks in a Cemetary
A drunk staggered into a cemetery on Halloween night and fell into a freshly dug grave. Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here," said the one in the grave, "I'm cold." The other one looked over the edge and said, "No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you."
Looking For Jean Paul
Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure trip. They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals. Jean Paul finds these two Poles some-what amusing and so he goes all out to make them happy. He treats them at pubs and bars. This goes on for a while until one fine day Jean Paul does not turn up. The Poles assume that some important work would have held him up and do not take a serious note of it. But, perhaps something was serious as Jean Paul does not turn up for next five days. At this, the Poles get alarmed and go to the police station to lodge a report. The inspector asks them to give details of the person who's missing. The conversation follows:
Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul.
Inspector: It's a very common name in France. Something more please.
Krachevski: Well, he is very tall.
Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.
Markowski: Well, he's got blue eyes.
Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.
Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. I'm sure now you shall be able to track him. You see, He's got two holes in his ass.
Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, that's curious. Are you sure?
Krachevski: Ya! Ya!
Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you have is CORRECT?
Krachevski: Most certainly.
Inspector (still skeptical): But how're you so sure?
Krachevski: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar, everyone used to greet him as "Here comes Jean Paul with the two ass-holes!"
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it's a gay bar, but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy, "What's the name of your penis?"
Guy: Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.
Waiter: I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike" for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers' because 'It Really Satisfies'.
The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he'll give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks, "Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?"
Other customer: Timex!
First guy: Why Timex?
Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!
A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.
First guy: What's the name of your penis?
Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?
Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.
Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is "Secret'!
Waiter: (pouring beer) Why 'Secret'?
Guy: (proudly) Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!