Bubble Baths
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Wedding Tombstones
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
Just One Big Wish.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing,' know how to make them truly happy." The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
Special Days
Yesterday was international women's equality day and international dog day.
What a great day for bitches.
How Dogs and Women are Alike
- Both look stupid in hats.
- Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
- Both tend to have "hip" problems.
- Neither understand football.
- Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
- Neither believe that silence is golden.
- Both constantly want back rubs.
- Neither can balance a checkbook.
- You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
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Both put too much value on kissing.
How women are better than dogs:
- It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
- Women look good in sweaters.
