Relationship Jokes - Marriage Jokes

A retired Army sniper decides to buy a new scope for his hunting rifle. He goes to a gun store and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a new Trijicon AccuPoint scope mounted on a Savage BA Stealth 308 rifle and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies. The clerk grabs the rifle from the man and looks through the scope at his house. Then he hands two .308 cartridges to the former Army sniper and says, "I'll give you this scope and $10,000 cash if you load those two cartridges, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your Toothbrush.

Feminist's Fairytale!! Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

A business woman comes home late one night and quietly opened the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four feet instead of two. She can't believe her husband would cheat on her. In a rage, she reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. She begins crying and goes to the kitchen to have a stiff drink. 

As she enters, she's startled to see her husband sitting at the table reading a magazine. “Hi Darling,” he said, “Your parents were driving to Florida and surprised us with a visit."  They're only staying for the night so I gave them our bedroom.

An old rish woman visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra," asked the doctor. "Not a chance," she said, "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra." "What is Irish Viagra?" she asked. "It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and let's talk in a week." A week later the doctor called the woman to check on the results. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Oh my, really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me biscuits, gravy, cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face at Bob Evans again."