Relationship Jokes - Marriage Jokes

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pond.

I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But all it did was change the color of the baby.

Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise. Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." 

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.." The wife is obviously upset: "Did my husband say that ?" Maria: "No, Señora, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is!