Wife vs Job
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.
A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.
"You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled.
"How can I?" she shot back. "You're never here!"
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter,"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father. She returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter. He already wrote the letter by hand."
Gift of Her Choosing
Three men discuss the Christmas presents they bought for their wives. The first man says that he bought his wife a vacation home in the Bahamas and one in Jamaica. "That way," he explains, "if she doesn't like one, she can use the other." The second man says he had bought his wife a sports car and a limo for exactly the same reason. The third man says, "I bought my wife a negligee and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the negligee, she can go screw herself."
Washing the Clothes
John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests. So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candle holders from the hall closet.
Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them. While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes. "Tell her it's ok," says John. "I already did them by hand."