Relationship Jokes - Marriage Jokes

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it. Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN. The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex. The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before. So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water. A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: "Hello, how's the whole family doing?" The son, who answered the phone, answers: "Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'."

A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.

During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage, "Did you see my face?" The hostage had, so the thief killed him. He asked the next hostage, same result. After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, "No, but my wife did."

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"