Sex in a Marriage
There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.
The first is Smurf Sex... This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex... This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex... This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!
Someone asked a retiree, "Do you have a job?" He replied, "I am my wife's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, they said, "What do you mean by that?" "Very simple," he said, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning...
'Windows frozen; won't open'
Husband texts back, 'Pour warm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer'
Five minutes later wife texts back, 'Computer really messed up now.'
A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
A soldier comes home on leave and tells his wife about his parachute training. “It was terrible,” he says. “I was in the plane and ready to jump, when I froze. I couldn’t move. The Seargent came up behind me, got out this enormous dick of his and said he’d stick it up my ass if I didn’t jump.” “Oh my God,” says his wife. “So did you jump?” “Well, yes,” says the soldier. “A little bit – at first.”