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The best jokes and joke writers!

Irish Wish

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it, and out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks awhile, finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty." With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The Irishman says, "I want two more of these."

Bus Driver

I went out drinking on St. Patrick's Day, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. 

My Guinness

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guinness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Perfect Day

HER PERFECT DAY:

  • 8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
  • 9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
  • 9:30 - Light breakfast
  • 11:00 - Sunbathe
  • 12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
  • 1:45 - Shopping
  • 2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
  • 3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
  • 7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
  • 10:00 - Make love
  • 11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIS PERFECT DAY:

  • 10:00 - Wake up
  • 10:02 - SEX
  • 10:10 - Big Breakfast
  • 11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
  • 2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
  • 3:15 - SEX
  • 3:25 - Play sports with the guys
  • 4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
  • 6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
  • 6:40 - SEX
  • 6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
  • 8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Schiffer
  • 11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
  • 11:10 - Sleep
  • 2:30 - Fart

Three Irish Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guinness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time. The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together. The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons. When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."