Written By: Blaze
DNR
A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.
My Guinness
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guinness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
Perfect Day
HER PERFECT DAY:
- 8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
- 9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
- 9:30 - Light breakfast
- 11:00 - Sunbathe
- 12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
- 1:45 - Shopping
- 2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
- 3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
- 7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
- 10:00 - Make love
- 11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIS PERFECT DAY:
- 10:00 - Wake up
- 10:02 - SEX
- 10:10 - Big Breakfast
- 11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
- 2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
- 3:15 - SEX
- 3:25 - Play sports with the guys
- 4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
- 6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
- 6:40 - SEX
- 6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
- 8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Schiffer
- 11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
- 11:10 - Sleep
- 2:30 - Fart
Man Torture
Q: What's the best way to torture a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
