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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Wedding Is Off...No On

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. "The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!" Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked. "Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father. The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers. A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!" As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked "What happened to make you change your mind?" Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."

Bus Driver

I went out drinking on St. Patrick's Day, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. 

My Guinness

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guinness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Perfect Day

HER PERFECT DAY:

  • 8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
  • 9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
  • 9:30 - Light breakfast
  • 11:00 - Sunbathe
  • 12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
  • 1:45 - Shopping
  • 2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
  • 3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
  • 7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
  • 10:00 - Make love
  • 11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIS PERFECT DAY:

  • 10:00 - Wake up
  • 10:02 - SEX
  • 10:10 - Big Breakfast
  • 11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
  • 2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
  • 3:15 - SEX
  • 3:25 - Play sports with the guys
  • 4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
  • 6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
  • 6:40 - SEX
  • 6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
  • 8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Schiffer
  • 11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
  • 11:10 - Sleep
  • 2:30 - Fart

Three Irish Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guinness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time. The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together. The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons. When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."