Alcohol Jokes - Beer Jokes

I went out drinking on St. Patrick's Day, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. 

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guinness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..." The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank you's...Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.." "Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured." "Well, that's great. This beer is on the house." So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar. "You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!" "I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog.

Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

HER PERFECT DAY:

• 8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
• 9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
• 9:30 - Light breakfast
• 11:00 - Sunbathe
• 12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
• 1:45 - Shopping
• 2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
• 3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
• 7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
• 10:00 - Make love
• 11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIS PERFECT DAY:

• 10:00 - Wake up
• 10:02 - SEX
• 10:10 - Big Breakfast
• 11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
• 2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
• 3:15 - SEX
• 3:25 - Play sports with the guys
• 4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
• 6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
• 6:40 - SEX
• 6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
• 8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Schiffer
• 11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
• 11:10 - Sleep
• 2:30 - Fart