Irish Radio Minute Quiz Answers

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants...
1. ?Q: Something a blind man might use?
A   A sword
2. Q: A Song with the word Moon in the title?
A: Blue Suede Moon
3  Q  Name the Capital of France?
A: "F"
4  Q  Name a bird with a long neck?
A: Naomi Campbell
5  Q  Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A: A burglar
6  Q  Where is the Taj Mahal?
A: Opposite the dental hospital
7  Q  What is Hitler's first name
A: Heil
8  Q  As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)
A: A pig in sh*t
9  Q  Some famous brothers
A: Bonnie and Clyde.
1 . Q   A dangerous race
A: The Arabs
1 . Q   Something that floats in a bath
A: Water
1 . Q   An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A: A horse
1 . Q   Something you wear on a beach
A: A deck-chair
1 . Q   A famous Royal
A: Mail
1 . Q   Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A: A bicycle with wings
1 . Q   A famous bridge
A: The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
1 . Q   Something a cat does
A: Goes to the toilet
1 . Q   Something you do in the bathroom
A: Decorate
1 . Q   A method of securing your home
A: Put the kettle on
2 . Q   Something associated with pigs
A: The Police
2 . Q   A sign of the Zodiac
A: April
2 . Q   Something people might be allergic to
A: Skiing
2 . Q   Something you do before you go to bed
A: Sleep
2 . Q   Something you put on walls
A: A roof
2 . Q  Something slippery
A: A con-man
2 . Q  A kind of ache
A: A fillet of fish
2 . Q  A Jacket Potato topping
A: Jam
2 . Q  A food that can be brown or white
A: A potato
2 . Q  A famous Scotsman
A: Jock
3 . Q  A famous Welshman
A: Vinnie Jones
3 . Q  Something you open other than a door
A: Your bowels
 

Evaluating Progress

• A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
• Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
• Active socially: Drinks heavily.
• Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
• Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
• Average: Not too bright.
• Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
• Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
• Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
• Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
• Conscientious and careful: Scared.
• Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
• Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
• Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
• Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
• Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
• Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
• Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
• Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
• Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
• Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
• Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
• Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
• Happy: Paid too much.
• Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
• Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
• Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
• Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
• Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
• Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
• Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
• Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
• Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
• Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
• Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
• Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
• Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
• Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
• Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
• Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
• Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
• Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
• Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
• Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
• Should go far: Please.
• Slightly below average: Stupid.
• Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
• Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
• Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
• Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
• Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
• Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
• Takes pride in work: Conceited.
• Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
• Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
• Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
• Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
• Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
• Well organized: Does too much busywork.
• Will go far: Relative of management.
• Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
• Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Jewish

I've always thought, when someone says they are Jewish they sound like they aren't sure about their religion.
"I'm Jew... ish"