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The best jokes and joke writers!

Salesman and Hit Man Playing Golf

Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together. One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?" " I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man. He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives. Nervously the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding." " You got a silver compact and a red pickup?" " The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck." The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom." " I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls." The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot." " I don't care! Just do it!" The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"

A Wise Man

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

A Double Bogey

A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple. On the first tee, the man hits his drive pretty deeply into the rough and after finding his ball, realizes that a maintenance shed is immediately in his line of sight for his next shot. He's about ready to chip back into the fairway when the other guy playing with him says, "Wait a minute. If we open the front and back doors of the shed, you can hit your 2 iron low and go right through the shed."

After eyeing this for a moment, the first guy takes his 2, lines up, hits a nice low shot which caroms off the side of the shed, hits his wife in the head and kills her!

Needless to say, the guy was devastated -- so much so that he gave up golf. After several years one of his old golfing friends talked him into playing again, telling him he had grieved enough and should really consider playing golf again -- he loved the game and his wife would have wanted it that way.

So he did go out to play, and as luck would have it, on the first tee he hit into the rough right in front of the same maintenance shed. Again he was about to chip into the fairway when his playing partner, not the same guy as before, said, "Hold on. We can open the doors of the shed and you can hit a low ball right through it."

The guy looked a bit wistful for a moment and then said, "No, I really don't want to do that. I tried that shot several years ago and took a double bogey on this hole!"

In the ravine.

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron!"

Golf Courses in Heaven

A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high. "Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are always in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people." "Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is marvelous news." "Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday."