Penguin Field Trip
A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus. An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over. The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?" "Calm down," the bus driver says, "I did take the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
There was a murder at the play area beside the beach. The killer thinks there are no witnesses.
But the see-saw.
Q: Why did the dog sit in the shade?
A: Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!
Q: What's the most musical part of a turkey?
A: The drumstick!
A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it's in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home drunk after 3 A.M., parked the car on the front lawn, broke the stair railing, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the kitchen island."
Confused, He asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!!!"