A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
My grandfather died due to shoddy hospital care. I wouldn't have minded, but he was only in there to visit my grandma.
Q: What do you get if you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Q: What kind of phone did Steven Hawking use?
A: A smart phone
Q: What does it mean when a groundhog sees a maple leaf on February 2nd?
A: Six more weeks of bad hockey!