- Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner!"- Lynda Montgomery
- "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."- Johnny Carson
- "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."- Paul Rodriguez
- And from George Carlin...If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
- If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
- If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
- If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
- If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
- Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
- When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?
- Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?
- Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?
- If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
- Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?
- If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?
- If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?
- How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?
- Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
- If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?
- Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?
- Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?
- Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?
- How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?
Why, How, and Ifs?
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
- If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
- If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
How Men Take Bubble Baths
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Bottle of Evian Water?
Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
Q: What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
A: The taste!