- Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner!"- Lynda Montgomery
- "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."- Johnny Carson
- "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."- Paul Rodriguez
- And from George Carlin...If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
- If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
- If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
- If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
- If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
- Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
- When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?
- Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?
- Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?
- If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
- Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?
- If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?
- If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?
- How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?
- Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
- If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?
- Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?
- Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?
- Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?
- How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?
Training a Human
Q: Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
A: Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!
How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction!!!
Why, How, and Ifs?
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
- If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
- If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Q: What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
A: The taste!