We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Ideal Weight for a Lawyer

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Norwegian FD

One cold and dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. I will give $100,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. Finally, a distant, lone siren was heard and a run-down old fire truck came into sight. It was from a rural fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on camera, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

Fake News

President Trump invited top religious leaders to Mar-a-Lago for a meeting. While having lunch at the beach cafe, a gust of wind blew the Pope's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet into the ocean, then the wind died down. The press couldn't believe their good fortune as they captured it all on video. The water was quite deep so the Mar-a-Lago staff and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to retrieve it, when Trump waved them off saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it.”

Then Trump calmly stepped off the dock and walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, stepped back on the dock, and handed the Pope his hat.

Everyone at the event was speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope. But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN & MSNBC reported:

"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!”

Homework

Q: Why did the student eat her homework?

A: Because the teacher said it would be a 'piece of cake'.

Speeding

A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"