Profession Jokes

An elderly  man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for  several years. He had  a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped  for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic  tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and  peach trees. One  evening the old farmer decided to go down to the  pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and  look it over.

He  grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some  fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard  voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he  came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young  women skinny-dipping in his  pond.

He  made the women aware of his presence and they  all went to the deep end. One of  the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out  until you leave!' The old man  frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you  ladies swim naked or make you get out of the  pond naked.' Holding  the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the  alligator...'

Some old men can still think  fast..

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?" He calls up the lawyer. "Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?" The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?" The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..." "Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!" The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..." "Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?" The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..." "The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Nogales, AZ. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

"I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle."

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

Little Johnny: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Johnny!

As reported by the DOJ, these are the top 5 politically incorrect jokes emailed by Ferguson Police:

1. President Barack Obama won't be president for long because, "What black man holds a steady job for four years?"
2. "I be so glad that dis be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all dose payments!"
3. "An African-American woman in New Orleans was admitted into the hospital for a pregnancy termination. Two weeks later she received a check for $5,000. She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from. The hospital said, 'Crime Stoppers.'
4. A man wanted to obtain "welfare" for his dogs because they are, "Mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddies are."
5. Photo of a bare-chested group of dancing women, apparently in Africa, with the caption, "Michelle Obama's High School Reunion."