Q: What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?
A: A full set of teeth!
Hit By a Bus
A little kid comes running into the backyard.
He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
There was a NY reporter stuck in a small West Virginia mountain town. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview. "Sir, I'm writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?" The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. "Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!" The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another. "Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!" The reporter was frustrated. "Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had." "Well," the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, "thar was that time "I" got lost..."
Buckwheat 'n Darla
Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'? "Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb.". The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."
"Now spell 'stupid'. "Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d." The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate'." Buckwheat stands up and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence." "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
Redneck Census Form!
The official year 2014 Redneck Census Form:
Last name:_______________________First name: (Check appropriate box)(_)Billy-Bob(_)Billy-Joe(_)Billy-Ray(_)Billy-Sue(_)Billy-Mae(_)Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?(_)Booger(_)Bubba(_)Junior(_)Sissy(_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure,guess) Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:(Check appropriate box)(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Unemployed(_)Dirty Politician(_)Preacher
Spouse'sName:_____________2nd Spouse's Name:_______________3rd Spouse's Name:_______________Lover'sName:_______________
Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)(_)Sister(_)Brother(_)Aunt(_)Uncle(_)Cousin (_)Mother(_)Father(_)Son(_)Daughter(_)Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____Number of the children living in the shed:_____Number that are yours:_____
Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
(Check appropriate box)Total number of vehicles you own:___Number of vehicles that still crank:___Number of vehicles in front yard:___Number of vehicles in the back yard:___Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:____truck____bedroom____bathroom____kitchen____shed
Model and year of your pickup:196_Do you have a gun rack?(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_)The National Enquirer(_)The Globe(_)TV Guide(_)Soap Opera Digest(_)Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____
How often do you bathe?(_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Not Applicable
Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____
Color of hair:(_)Blond(_)Black(_)Red(_)Brown(_)White(_)Clairol
Color of teeth:(_)White(_)Yellow(_)BrownishYellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)just a whoop-and-a-holler(_)road?