A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. He walked for hours with no cars passing him. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve. The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. "Look Bubba, that's the jerk who climbed into the car while we were pushing."
An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennessee Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die." That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out. When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place." When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. Though, the most amazing thing of all was the elevator. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off. A stooped over little lady, who was 90, approached the elevators and pushed the "Up" arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad. The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma."
Tim Kelly Run-In
Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said to the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."
Q: What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?
A: A full set of teeth!
Hit By a Bus
A little kid comes running into the backyard.
He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."