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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Lawyer's Translation

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out.  "But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.  

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.  "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"

12 Feet Deep

Q: Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of just six?

A: Because deep down they really are good people.

Lawyer and Mexican

A lawyer and a Mexican live next to each other in the most cookie-cutter neighborhood you can imagine. One day, they're both mowing the front lawn. The Mexican says, "You know, my house is worth more than yours."

The lawyer is confused. He responds, "How? Our houses are identical. Did you renovate the interior?" "No." "Did you modernize the kitchen or the bathroom?" "I didn't." "Then how can your house be worth more than mine?" the lawyer cries.

"Well, I live next to a lawyer, and you live next to a Mexican."

Bad Catholic Joke

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker. They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby. Social worker - "We should give these seats to the children". Lawyer - "Dont be stupid, fuck the children!" Catholic priest - "Do you really think we've got time?"

Make a Donation

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?" He calls up the lawyer. "Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?" The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?" The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..." "Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!" The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..." "Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?" The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..." "The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"