A guy is talking to his best friend. He tells him, "I haven't made love with her for a month. She's carrying a strange virus that can leave me deaf if I have any sort of sexual intercourse with her."
The friend replied, "Talk louder man, I can't hear a thing you're saying."
Do You Know How to Have Sex?
A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!" Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!" The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"
An eighty-year-old man went to his doctor for a checkup. The man was getting married in a month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, but it didn't work.
"If you want your marriage to last," the doctor conceded, "I say you at least take in a boarder." The old man agreed.
The old man didn't see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later. The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant."
"That's good news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help."
"Oh," said the old man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well."
A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage- help book when his husband turns to his wife. ''It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you.'' He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to suppress his anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?'' The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?'' The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?'' His wife nodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess that's okay. Any other times?'' ''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the amount of money we had at the time... I kinda...'' ''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.'' The husband looked honestly relieved. ''Well, that's understandable, you saved my life. Any others?'' She nodded. ''One more.'' The husband leaned forward. ''Well... you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes...?''
The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over supper. "Get this..." he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one." "Hmmmmmmmmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type expression, "must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."