A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter:
Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.
The Rabbi rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community." No one moved. The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!" Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan, I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The Italian Affair
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Writtin in Urine
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.
Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."
Clinton says, "I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!...Well, what's the REALLY bad news?"
The officer replies, "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."
In Good Hands?
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade." The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He yells; "Hey! You gave me the wrong key!"