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The best jokes and joke writers!

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

Doesn't it annoy you when

  • ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
  • ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
  • ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
  • ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
  • ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
  • ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
  • ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
  • ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
  • ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
  • ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
  • ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
  • ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
  • ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
  • ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
  • ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
  • ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Police Work

Q: Why was the Police officer standing on poop?

A: He was On-Duty.

Texas Sheriff Exam

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. 

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,

six lawyers,

six meth dealers,

six Muslim extremists,

six Democrats,

and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

Speeding

A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Seeing Eye Blonde

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"