Replacing Lab Rats with Lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

Officer Termination

An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job.
No exact details were given to the public, but word has it that he was a high wanking officer.

Barber Arrested

The local barber got arrested for selling cocaine. This really surprised me as I've been a customer for years and never knew he was a barber.