Checking My Balance
I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!
Class Guessing Game
The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game, she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described.
Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem."
Timmy: "I know what it is, it's an apple."
Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking." "OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it."
Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an orange."
Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking."
Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher?"
Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!" Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it."
Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office!"
Johnny: "No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!"
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you say a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death, but, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."