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The best jokes and joke writers!

Blowjob On Heinz

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never had any sexual experience whatsoever. So she asked a couple of her friends what she could do to her husband on their wedding night to really impress him. One of her friends suggested that she give him a blowjob. She asked what a blowjob was, but they were all too embarrassed to tell her. Finally one friend told her to just go home and practice on a ketchup bottle. So she practiced for months. Finally the big night came. They got married, went to the hotel room and she got ready to do her thing. She unzipped his pants, got down on her knees, grabbed his penis in her hand, took a deep breath... and started smacking the tip of it with the palm of her other hand.

The Definition of Sex

Hillary and Chelsea were having a deep heart to heart talk about Chelsea's college experiences.

Hillary: So have you found dating to be fulfilling experience?

Chelsea: It's okay, but I don't like how the boys sometimes act like real sex hounds.

Hillary: Well, uh, have you, uh, actually had sex?

Chelsea: Well Mom, no, not IF you define sex the way Daddy does.

New Scope

A retired Army sniper decides to buy a new scope for his hunting rifle. He goes to a gun store and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a new Trijicon AccuPoint scope mounted on a Savage BA Stealth 308 rifle and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies. The clerk grabs the rifle from the man and looks through the scope at his house. Then he hands two .308 cartridges to the former Army sniper and says, "I'll give you this scope and $10,000 cash if you load those two cartridges, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Clinton Intern Guidance

Q:  What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?

A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Monica Lewinsky and Bill

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

A: 1 U.S. leader!