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The best jokes and joke writers!

LIttle Suzzie and Her Multi-syllable Word

Little Suzie goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Suzie waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Suzie, what is your multi-syllable word?" Suzie says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Suzie, that's a mouthful." Suzie replies, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob."

Restroom

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering amd swearing very softly. The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

"Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head."

"Jesus Christ! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

Pros And Cons of A Threesome

Pros and cons of a threesome

Advantages

  • It can get really weird
  • Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
  • There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
  • Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
  • You get to watch your best friends making love
  •  You get to get watched making love
  • Simultaneously enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
  • You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
  • You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms
  • Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
  • You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it
  • Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left
  • Three-person showers are fantastic
  • Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
  • Three-person kisses are best

Disadvantages 

  • It can get really weird
  • Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
  • Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
  • You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom; the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
  • Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
  • You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like
  • Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
  • Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks
  • Morning breath multiplied by 3
  • You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want
  • You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect or want
  • You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships
  • The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
  • Sorting clothes quickly when the significant other walks in assumes comical proportions
  • Now there are two wet spots to avoid.

What a Health Plan!

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."  "Oh," said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable."  

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex. "Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!"

"Ah," said the Doctor, "same problem - better health plan!"

Grade Lift

A beautiful woman walks into her professor's office...

Woman: "I really need to get an A in this course. What can I do to get an A?"

Professor: "Is getting an A really that important?"

Woman (seductively): "Yes, I would do anything to get an A".

Professor: "Anything?"

Woman (seductively): "Yes, anything."

Professor: "Would you study?"