Sex Jokes - Oral Sex Jokes
Christmas Eve, a miserable woman stands on the edge of a high bridge contemplating suicide. As she goes to step off she feels resistance from behind. She turns around to see Santa Claus holding her jacket.
"Santa Claus??" exclaims the woman, "Yes, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?" Asks Santa.
"Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me, and my cancer has returned."
Santa replies, "Fret not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you will have a message from your boss giving you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with the children, you will have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone."
"My goodness!" exclaims the woman. "That is truly a miracle, is there any way I can ever repay you?"
"There is one thing... how about a blowjob?"
The woman gets on her knees, unzips Santa, gives him the best blower of his life, and slurps up every last bit.
As Santa is about to leave, he asks the woman "by the way, how old are you?" "I'm 27" replies the woman while wiping her mouth. "You're 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?" he replies while chuckling heartily, walking into the night.
Fulfilling a Promise
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that BJ I promised you? Here it comes..."
There was once a pair of high school sweethearts. When they graduated, they wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't want to do this and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her giving her new boyfriend a blow job and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, ''I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.'' Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So... he wrote on the back of the photo: ''Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!'' and mailed the picture to her parents.
Like Father Like Son
Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells his mother, "Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better." "Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday." His mother says.
Buckwheat 'n Darla
Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'? "Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb.". The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."
"Now spell 'stupid'. "Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d." The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate'." Buckwheat stands up and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence." "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"