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The best jokes and joke writers!

Andy Rooney Quotes

  • Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
  • I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
  • I am in shape. Round's a shape!
  • Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  • Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
  • The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
  • Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the Jimmy Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Obama On Halloween

Q: Why did Obama dress as a ghost for Halloween? 

A: He wanted to see what it was like to be white for a day!

The Fourplex Fire

In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by fire. A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. A black Islamic group of seven welfare cheaters, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six Los Angeles gangbanger ex-cons lived on the third floor and they died as well. One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris, and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew to Los Angeles and met with the fire chief on television. They loudly demanded to know why the Nigerians, Muslims, and gangbangers all died in the fire, and only the white couple survived. The fire chief said, "Please don't get upset. The reason those fellow citizens survived was because they were at work."

Obama Drop

Q: Why doesn't Obama like watching the ball drop on New Year's Eve?

A: It pretty-much sums up his accomplishments for the year.

Obama Time

Michelle Obama dies and goes to heaven, and she's in the waiting room to see Jesus.

There are clocks everywhere, not a single square inch of wall or ceiling doesn't have a timepiece. Some of them don't seem to be moving. St. Peter comes out and calls her name.

"I'm here" she says. "What's with all the clocks?".

St. Peter says "Everyone who has ever lived has a clock here. Every time they tell a lie, their clock moves forward by one minute. This is George Washington's clock. As you can see, it's one past midnight, so he only told one lie."

"Oh" Michelle said. "Where's my husband's clock?"

"That's in Jesus' office" St. Peter replies. "He uses that as a fan".