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The best jokes and joke writers!

I Love You in 9 Languages

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

English - I Love you

Spanish - Te Amo

French - Je T'aime

German - Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese - Ai Shite Imasu

Italian - Ti Amo

Chinese - Wo Ai Ni

Swedish - Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky - Nice Tits

Texan in Canada

A Texas oil tycoon is in northern Canada for a vacation and has booked a day of fishing on the Great Slave Lake. The guide says they will start out on the lake at sun up, two am. As they start out the guide says, “Have you ever seen such a long day?” The Texan lights a cigar and says, “Sonny, the sun never sets on Texas, it’s God’s country”

As they head out across The Great Slave, the tenth largest in the world, the guide asks, “Have you ever fished on a lake a big as this?” The Texan puffs on his cigar and says, “Sonny, back in Texas this would just be a pond.”

Finally they arrive at the fishing ground. They set their gear and the Texan reels in a few nice ones then he hooks a big one. The fight goes on for hours. Finally he reels it close enough to the boat to see that it is a monster, the biggest he has ever seen. In his mind he already sees it mounted over his fireplace, a trophy to brag to his friends about. The guide muscles the boat into the boat and turns to the Texan with a smile, “Have you ever seen a trout this big?”

Unable to resist, the Texan shrugs and says, “Why, Sonny, back in Texas we throw little ones like that back.” 

The guide smiles and drops the fish back into the lake. “We do the same thing here in Canada.”

Texas Sheriff Exam

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. 

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,

six lawyers,

six meth dealers,

six Muslim extremists,

six Democrats,

and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

Shopping in Texas

My grandpa would always tell me that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

Pretty Big

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation. There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.

The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park. "What's that?" says the Texan.

"Oh! That's Queens Park," says the Cabby, "Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government. Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big."

"Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large," says the Texan. They continue along and past First Canadian Place.

"Holy cow," says the Texan, "What's that?"

"Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country," says the Cabby, "it took almost 4 years to build."

"Really," says the Texan, "Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time."

They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower. Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850' tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.

"Holy Crap!" says the Texan. "What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!"

The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says, "Heck if I know, it wasn't there yesterday!"