Profession Jokes - Accountant Jokes
Ants and Math
Q: What kind of ant is good at math?
A: An accountant!
The Virgin of Ten Marriages
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
- "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
- Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
- Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
- Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
- Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
- Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
- Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
- Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
- Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Okay, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
An accountant decided to leave his wife one day. He left her a note saying, "Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton." He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read, "Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!"
Accountant, Lawyer, and Cowboy at a Urinal
In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up, and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands, clear up to his elbows. He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up, and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door, he said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."