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The best jokes and joke writers!

Ants and Math

Q: What kind of ant is good at math?

A: An accountant!

Accountant Math

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day. He left her a note saying, "Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton."  He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read, "Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!"

Counting Sheep

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Hiring An Accountant

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "Twenty-two," Kowalski replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

The Virgin of Ten Marriages

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

  • "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative.  He kept telling me how great it was going to be.  
  • Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
  • Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
  • Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
  • Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
  • Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
  • Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
  • Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
  • Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"