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The best jokes and joke writers!

What a Health Plan!

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."  "Oh," said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable."  

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex. "Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!"

"Ah," said the Doctor, "same problem - better health plan!"

Ants and Math

Q: What kind of ant is good at math?

A: An accountant!

Blonde Bank Robbery

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a plan and they put it into action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car...and waited...and waited...and waited...and waited. As the brunette was beginning to contemplate driving off, the blonde bursted out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles as he attempted to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She jumped into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

Rex the Dog

A cowboy, his horse and dog are captured by hostile Indians. The dog's fate is somewhat tenuous but it's certain that the cowboy will be executed at sunrise. That evening the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish before meeting his ultimate fate in the morning. The cowboy asks to see his faithful dog, Rex. The cowboy strokes and pets his companion and whispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runs through the Indian village and over the hill. At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by some two dozen hookers from the closest town. The braves were delighted and as the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy that his execution was being postponed as they were all too tired from partying. The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude for furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another request before you're executed." Again the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. The cowboy again strokes and pets his companion and whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, so please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"

Finding a House

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live." She replied, "I keep trying to tell you: Your Passin It!"