Redneck Driving

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey there up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

Accident

A little kid comes running into the backyard.
He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

Redneck Census Form!

The official year 2014 Redneck Census Form:
Last name:_______________________First name: (Check appropriate box)(_)Billy-Bob(_)Billy-Joe(_)Billy-Ray(_)Billy-Sue(_)Billy-Mae(_)Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?(_)Booger(_)Bubba(_)Junior(_)Sissy(_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure,guess) Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:(Check appropriate box)(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Unemployed(_)Dirty Politician(_)Preacher
Spouse'sName:_____________2nd Spouse's Name:_______________3rd Spouse's Name:_______________Lover'sName:_______________
Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)(_)Sister(_)Brother(_)Aunt(_)Uncle(_)Cousin (_)Mother(_)Father(_)Son(_)Daughter(_)Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____Number of the children living in the shed:_____Number that are yours:_____
Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
(Check appropriate box)Total number of vehicles you own:___Number of vehicles that still crank:___Number of vehicles in front yard:___Number of vehicles in the back yard:___Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:____truck____bedroom____bathroom____kitchen____shed
Model and year of your pickup:196_Do you have a gun rack?(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_)The National Enquirer(_)The Globe(_)TV Guide(_)Soap Opera Digest(_)Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____
How often do you bathe?(_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Not Applicable
Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____
Color of hair:(_)Blond(_)Black(_)Red(_)Brown(_)White(_)Clairol
Color of teeth:(_)White(_)Yellow(_)BrownishYellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)just a whoop-and-a-holler(_)road?